Dear Other Parents At The Park

I loved this story.. and found it from here:  Often times when we are at the park, I will be hanging out in the sand... watching Ellie or talking to the other parents.  Minutes later Ill look over and see that Dyllan has recruited another parent to push her on the swings.  I have taught her how to pump.. but she continues to ask other unsuspecting parents to give her a push "scues me?  Will you push me please?!"  The other day I came over to the swings to find a lady pushing her 2 year old with a newborn strapped to her chest.. also pushing Dyllan.  The little Turkey.  I always have to explain to the poor, unsuspecting parent that she knows how to pump, and not to worry about giving her a push... anyway.. I can totally relate to this story...

Dear Other Parents At The Park:

Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you've just heard me tell them I wasn't going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.

I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn't bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves.

They're not here to be at the top of the ladder; they are here to learn to climb. If they can't do it on their own, they will survive the disappointment. What's more, they will have a goal and the incentive to work to achieve it.

In the meantime, they can use the stairs. I want them to tire of their own limitations and decide to push past them and put in the effort to make that happen without any help from me.

It is not my job — and it is certainly not yours — to prevent my children from feeling frustration, fear, or discomfort. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that those things are not the end of the world, and can be overcome or used to their advantage.

If they get stuck, it is not my job to save them immediately. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn to calm themselves, assess their situation, and try to problem solve their own way out of it.

It is not my job to keep them from falling. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that falling is possible but worth the risk, and that they can, in fact, get up again.

I don't want my daughters to learn that they can't overcome obstacles without help. I don't want them to learn that they can reach great heights without effort. I don't want them to learn that they are entitled to the reward without having to push through whatever it is that's holding them back and *earn* it.

Because — and this might come as a surprise to you — none of those things are true. And if I let them think for one moment that they are, I have failed them as a mother.

I want my girls to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success. 

I want them to believe in their own abilities and be confident and determined in their actions. 

I want them to accept their limitations until they can figure out a way past them on their own significant power.

I want them to feel capable of making their own decisions, developing their own skills, taking their own risks, and coping with their own feelings.

I want them to climb that ladder without any help, however well-intentioned, from you.

Because they can. I know it. And if I give them a little space, they will soon know it, too.

So I'll thank you to stand back and let me do my job, here, which consists mostly of resisting the very same impulses you are indulging, and biting my tongue when I want to yell, "BE CAREFUL," and choosing, deliberately, painfully, repeatedly, to stand back instead of rush forward.

Because, as they grow up, the ladders will only get taller, and scarier, and much more difficult to climb. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather help them learn the skills they'll need to navigate them now, while a misstep means a bumped head or scraped knee that can be healed with a kiss, while the most difficult of hills can be conquered by chanting, "I think I can, I think I can", and while those 15 whole feet between us still feels, to them, like I'm much too far away.

Money Matters

"Money is only a tool.  It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver."

~ Ayn Rand

"Money often costs too much."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A penny saved is a penny earned"

 ~ Benjamin Franklin and my mom

"Many people take no care of their money till they com nearly to the end of it,

and others do just the same with their time"

 ~ Johan Wolfgang von Goethe

"We don't have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven't taxed enough;

 we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much"

 ~ Ronald Reagan

There are so many good quotes out there about money.  These are just a few I picked that I can relate to- especially these days.  With the big move, a new baby, a home mortgage (America)  and rent (Australia), a dud car, and only one of us legally allowed to work- money has been on our minds.  A lot.  Not in a stressed out worried kind of way- actually- but more of a challenge, or a game almost.    We are learning some very useful lessons:  how to change our attitude toward money and how to cut back on spending.   In the past, we have been pretty fortunate.  We have worked hard and done pretty well.  However, these days working hard just leads to needing to work harder.  Its really simple, right?  Money in should be greater than money out.  We learned this in like second grade.  So why is it so hard?  For us, something had to change.  The first thing we decided to change was our attitudes toward money.   Money is only a tool- to help us achieve what we want to achieve.  I cant tell you how many times in the past week we have both said to each other "if we can't pay for it today, then we can't afford it".  This has been a great quote for us..  and its totally worked.  We cut our credit cards up so there is no more paying for things later.  Over the past week or so we haven't spent a penny on things the "little things" we used to like:  coffee, candy, gas, eating out, shopping, movies, or music. And you know what?  It actually felt great.  Its been out little challenge, a game we play with each other... to see how well we did that day. 

I have learned that I may think I need something today.. then when I dont actually buy it- I end up forgetting about it or making do with out it all together. For example- last week our fan broke in our bedroom - and both Dan and I have a hard time sleeping unless its cool - and my natural thought was.. I will just go to Kmart or Vinnies (thrift shop) and pick up a new one. But, wait, I actually couldnt.. so we have gone wihtout a fan for a few nights and suprisingly all nights (except last night) have been fine- there has been a breeze outside and we didnt need the fan. (Last night was an exception- and we were both up most of the night because we were too hot..) A few other changes that I have made include: using (gulp) fewer diaper wipes- we are nearing the end of Dyllan's wipes- so instead of using like 30 wipes for every poopy diaper- I use 15 (hah which is still a lot- but I dont want the poop to touch my fingers..) and instead of changing Dyllan before a meal- I just let her sit in her wet/ damp diaper (not poopy ones) while she eats- because after she's done eating she needs a new one anyway. You know how you use less toothpast as you near the end of the tube? (something like 50% of its life is used on the last 5% of the tube- I made that up, but something like that?!) Well- I noticed our kitchen soap was almost out- the pump could no longer reach the soap- so... I filled it up with some water- and vuala! enough soap for another few weeks  (it was too thick anyway)! I have learned to make grocery lists- so that I am not running down to the store everyday for just 2 things- then actually coming back with 5 or 6 things (4 of which i really didn't need at all- like magazines or candy). Dan and I have mastered BYO (bring our own)- we pack picnics or snacks if we go out for more than a few hours- we bring our own drinks (in Australia bringing your own bottle of wine or beer to a restaurant is very popular and much cheaper). We fill up on samples, and graciously take day old bread that would otherwise have been thrown away. NO- we are not dressing in rags and living in a cardboard box... we are just playing the game- challenging ourselves to cut back, cut out, and spend less than we make. And you know what? Its totally working!

Money Game
photo from here

When you dont have it, you cant spend it... and for the first time in both of our lives- we have actually gone without.  Dont feel too sorry for us though- we are doing just fine and this little $0 balance streak is almost over.

Dan gets paid tomorrow- and we just sold our car today (thank god!) - so as of a few hours ago... "we can pay for it today, and we can afford it"  BUT, that doesnt mean we will quit living like we have over the past week.  We have things to save for now.



Smart Pig, saves money. 
(Photo from here)

 When Sean and I were young- mom used to go around our old neighborhood collecting bags and bags of aluminum cans. We had a few neighbors who donated their cans to us- because mom used to take them downtown Seattle to the big recycling center for crushing. Sean and I used to love watching as the men poured bag after bag of cans into the machine that crushed all the cans and turned them into one big aluminum block. In exchange for all of our cans- we would get cash. Usually only a couple dollars- but mom used to tell us that the money was going straight into our college savings account.



Recycling Center Belt
Photo from :Seattle Times


Looking back, mom was very smart. Not only did she engrave the fact that we were going to college in our minds at a young age- she taught us the importance of saving money and planning for the future. I hope that one day we can teach Dyllan (and our kids) similar lessons.